So on another note … Hypnotica has been working me over for a while now, since we met in Vegas at the beginning of January … sometimes sweet, sometimes sexy, sometimes really hard on me … always dominant. Hypnotica and I had a funny text exchange yesterday. He was hard on me all the previous night and during the day, and then suddenly he turned sweet, and by that point because he had been working me over so hard I was just laughing. Then we were talking about seeing each other again, because we have some events together next month. Later I asked him if he minded me putting parts of our text conversation on the blog. He said it was ok. And then he said ….
So, we re-imagine committed relationship and suggest that, with shadow-work, it can become something larger than the sum of its parts — a transpersonal field in which love and consciousness grow. At that time, the object of the quest changes: from the beauty of image and the ideal Beloved to the beauty of depth and the real Beloved. In these ways the search for an authentic relationship mirrors the search for the authentic Self, as told in the Sufi tale in our introduction.
During dating the Master leaves the Butler in charge of the house; that is, the Self goes dormant and the ego takes over.
But as the romantic relationship deepens and becomes increasingly conscious, the Self returns and demands more recognition and authenticity.
If the ego resists relinquishing control and continues to dominate the dating process, we seek again and again an ideal image of the Beloved that reinforces its fantasy expectations. As a result, the relationship ends, and we search for yet another partner. With shadow-work, we then hear the call of the Self, the Master. And, as a result, a conscious relationship really can begin. Some people, of course, enjoy the light side of dating: they view a single life as an opportunity to experiment socially and sexually, to feel the freedom of their own rhythms and to maintain their own privacy.
They may wish for a committed relationship in the future but recognize wisely that they are not ready for it. Or they may dread commitment, imagining it as a jail sentence. But for others the dark side of dating is oppressive: they suffer with feelings of isolation, alienation, and sexual frustration. For many people, to be single in a culture of couples is to be a carrier of shadow projections, to feel the pain of being seen as strange, a loser, an outsider.
It is to feel the banishment of the one who is not chosen. It is to feel perpetually awkward, caught in a sustained adolescence, not yet belonging among the grownups who have mated and formed families. To be a young single is to be seen as inexperienced, naive, one who has not yet begun to live. To be an older single, especially if he or she has never married, is to be seen as eccentric, tainted, one who has failed the test of maturity.
In a culture that defines people in relation to others even on simple institutional forms—single, married, divorced, widowed—the life of the single person is filled with daily reminders of being tainted with shadow.
Even though they may enjoy several intimate, ongoing friendships, some single people suffer terribly because they feel the stigma of being alone. Feeling lonely, they may devalue their deepest friendships rather than cherish them, as if these heartfelt connections cease to exist and the only valid relationship were a sexual, monogamous one—a couple. Some observers of single people eating alone in restaurants or sitting alone in movies may feel uncomfortable as well, projecting their own fears of solitude or abandonment.
The singles may, in turn, sense this attitude from others as discomfort, disdain, or even pity. On the other hand, married observers may feel the mournful discontent of envy around singles, imagining the joys of free time, free choice, and self-reliance. One woman, unmarried into her 50s, noted that her close married friends frequently imagine that she has a busy, fascinating social life that is off limits to them.
She chuckles as she recounts this and then, turning serious a moment later, tells us that she is so ashamed to be home on Saturday nights that she never answers the phone.
Of course, the single person at 25, whose college friends have coupled and cocooned, has a different perspective than the single person at 45, whose friends have married, perhaps divorced and remarried, and given birth to children by then. For them, potential partners never match the internal romantic images.
To me, shadow work is the epicentre of this painful self-discovery process. It takes courage and grit to be willing to look into the darkest, most. Fashion, Hair, Makeup for Older Women, Senior Dating, Travel · Newsletter 7 Ways to Face Your Shadow Side and Express Your True Self After By Sheri Owning the shadow side leads to a greater sense of wholeness and balance. Your “shadow” self is the part of you that stays hidden away for nobody to see. Amy Leigh Mercree is an expert dating & relationship coach.
Each one fails to meet their standards of beauty, intelligence, success, or sensitivity, as they project their own inferiority onto others. If a relationship forms and they continue to judge and blame the other person for being inadequate, they risk becoming critical, nagging mates. Instead of blaming others, some single people may blame themselves for their fate, feeling inadequate, unlovable, even hopeless.
In this case, they themselves are not enough—thin enough, successful enough, smart enough, sexy enough. For some, this shame leads to endless routines of diets, workouts, therapy, singles events, and self-help books. Some singles reason that they have been cursed by an incident, such as molestation or abandonment, that bars them from trusting anyone.
Or they have been branded with a bodily trait that makes them feel unattractive, thus undermining their confidence and capacity to make contact with potential partners. After years of feeling ashamed for her failure to mate, she noticed that her mind would move around her physical form at times, becoming obsessed with various bodily traits. In her 20s, she felt intensely embarrassed about her large breasts and was convinced that they kept men away. With ongoing shadow-work, they continued to bring more of themselves into conscious awareness and thus into their relationship, exposing denied aspects of their personalities and opening up new avenues of intimacy.
Eventually, the two discovered together that Ellen's fear of fusion is just the other side of Joel's fear of abandonment. Where does the shadow sabotage your intimacy?
When does your fear of fusion cause you to appear distant and aloof? When does your fear of abandonment cause you to surrender your authentic voice and your independence in an effort to feel safe? These disowned compensatory traits, when projected onto a partner, can become threatening because they stir up taboo shadow feelings.
For example, initially a man may be drawn to a woman's open sexuality, then find her behavior inappropriate as his wife.ACCEPTING YOUR SHADOW SIDE - Alan Watts celebrates Carl Jung by Paul SIDDALL
During dating, a man may be attracted to the "whore" quality of a sensual woman, but he would never take this character home to his family. And he may feel that the mother of his children must be "pure," like his own mother. With this split the man may find himself lamenting the loss of his sexual desire and unconsciously rendering himself incapable of maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship because to have sex with Mother is taboo.
Thus his underlying negative attitudes toward sex may have been buried in the shadow during dating and only become evident during later stages of romance or marriage. This pattern has deep cultural roots in religious teachings, as well as individual roots in a man's psychology.
If a man with a puritanical character at the table has cast his own bodily eros into the shadow to live a "pure" life, banishing the wildness of Dionysus and labeling others as hedonists, then he cannot tolerate these energies in his partner. As a result, he may turn her into a mother figure, a sexless caretaker who is supposed to love him unconditionally and display no shadow of her own. In some cultures, where this pattern is seen as the norm, men may turn to a mistress to fulfill their more sexual Dionysian needs.
Dating your shadow self
Or a woman initially may be attracted to a man who appears to be upbeat, optimistic, even ecstatic. As our client Lorraine put it, "When I met Josh, he had a radiant sparkle and boundless energy. He just seemed to live life so fully and was not brought down by petty problems. But after a few months Lorraine wanted more vulnerability from Josh and could no longer tolerate his high energy and seemingly automatic positive attitude. In fact, she came to believe that he habitually denied his more difficult feelings and defended against them with learned optimism.
As they spent more time together, she noticed that he drank several cups of coffee in the morning and again in the afternoon. When she suggested that he was addicted to caffeine, he denied it and agreed to cut down his coffee intake to prove her wrong. But, as his energy level dropped, he grew weary and moody and had to admit that she was correct.
Lorraine, in turn, needed to support the less energetic, more moody Josh if she wanted more emotional authenticity. In these cases, a partner may begin to discourage a troublesome quality or shadow character in the Other: He may shame her sexual desires; she may criticize his lack of emotional range. In response, the receiver of the projection may begin to feel judged and diminished in just the way that he or she did by a parent, which caused the wound in the first place. In this way, the shadow achieved its goal -- to recreate the past.
Compensation is only the most obvious solution to the shadow's dilemma. Many couples have more complicated unconscious dynamics than a simple balancing act of disowned traits. In what psychologists call projective identification, one partner unconsciously identifies with the other person's rejected part, or shadow character, and acts it out. For instance, if a husband has cast his rage into the shadow and never shows angry feelings, the wife may grow angrier and angrier, unconsciously carrying them for the pair.
Just as family members split the pie of shadow material among them, the couple splits it between them. As a result, one appears highly emotional, the other highly rational, such as a feeling-oriented mother's daughter paired with a thinking-oriented father's son or, alternatively, a sensitive, intuitive mother's son bonded with an intellectual, independent father's daughter.
Other combinations: one partner appears upbeat, the other depressed; one appears neat, the other messy; one appears to need intimacy, the other to need distance.
One may even become an alcoholic, the other a teetotaler. In this way, a process that is actually internal to both people is externalized, becoming an interpersonal conflict and creating the Other, the worthy opponent, the shadow-boxing partner.
Consequently, the sender is protected from seeing those traits in himself and can instead criticize and try to change them in his mate.
Kevin is the dark side of your personality and it holds a lot of power to improve Or if you want an exact birth date, it would be the first time you. How to Be Attractive to Women by Integrating Your Shadow Self dating wisdom says that women are foolish when they want to date “bad. Carl Jung explains why this is so through his seminal concept of “the shadow.” According to Jung, the shadow is our disowned self—the parts.
The receiver, who carries the dirty laundry that doesn't fit with the sender's persona, then becomes "the problem," the person who needs to be fixed. From the ego's point of view, the lover may seem strangely unfitting -- too unhappy, too messy, too loud, too shy, too indulgent, too prudish. But from the shadow's point of view, the lover may seem strangely familiar -- like a parent or even like the flip side of oneself.
If the shadow did its work of finding an appropriate fit with a partner, the relationship recreates early patterns -- and thereby provides an opportunity for consciousness. Thus we suggest that the early stages of romance are determined primarily by the shadow's needs and form the bases for the initial attraction and the development of later, more conscious stages of relationship, which occur in real time with a Beloved, rather than as a repetition of the past with a projected Other.
Who lives in your lover's shadow? A slut, an artist, a helpless child, a violent tyrant, a reclusive monk, a free spirit. How do you relate to these characters in him or her? How do you discourage their expression in your partner in subtle ways because they do not fit your image of him or her? The two kinds of romantic projections -- partners as parents, partners as gods -- inevitably rattle and break down, often causing a crisis of commitment.
At that crucial moment in every relationship, the most familiar person becomes a stranger. Then one or both partners proclaims, "This is not what I expected. The partners may suffer shock and disbelief. Then the feeling of betrayal sets in. We suggest that there are three reasons for this series of events: First, the romantic partner is not who we thought she or he was. But, if the shadow did its work, our partner is exactly the right one -- and exactly the wrong one.
As one couple put it: "She has everything I need -- and everything I hate. That is to say, the ideal projection of parent or god rattles -- and another face appears suddenly on the loved one. As one woman said, "He's like a stranger with secret desires that are not like him.
But it is him. The strong, efficient man turns into a needy, dependent control freak -- his partner's bad dream. When these shadow characters emerge, shattering the illusions of romance, they reveal such unknown, unexpected aspects of personality that the observer may feel, all at once, that trust between them is broken. The partners face a crisis of commitment. Second, the romantic process is not what we thought it was.
That is, we are no longer at home in old, comfortable patterns that feel familiar. Instead, we are face to face with the Other, the stranger, the unpredictable one who lives inside the Beloved. And the process, which had been moving toward greater and greater safety in intimacy, seems to be halted.
Finally, we are not who we thought we were. The humbling revelation of our own shadow sides can be as abrupt and disconcerting as the discovery of our partner's.
One woman told her therapist that she habitually used sarcasm as a shield, out of her fear of having her feelings rejected. But when her partner reported that her sarcastic tone hurt him deeply, she felt great sadness and remorse. In discovering these aspects of our own shadows, we feel humiliated in our own nakedness and rush to hide, thereby creating obstacles to intimacy and another crisis of commitment.
Or we may feel overwhelming guilt and responsibility for the disillusionment and suffering of our loved ones. The shattering of these illusions may happen gradually, like peeling off the layers of an egg shell, so that bit by bit, even over many years, we come to have a more clear perception of our partners and ourselves.
For instance, a man may keep an alcohol dependency hidden from his wife or a woman may use tranquilizers or anti-depressants secretly to control her moods. When the mate finds clues to these behaviors after years of secrecy, he or she may be outraged and betrayed, feeling as if life had been shared with a stranger.
Or the shattering may happen suddenly, like the egg shell cracking open, so that in one moment we feel we know one another, and in the next we are living with a foreign intruder. A friend told the story of walking into her kitchen where her new husband stood in his bathrobe with his back to her.
She looked down and saw his "boney knees" sticking out from under the robe -- and in that moment her perception of him shifted from a refined, elegant musician to a vulnerable, limited man. Just that part of us which may project perfection onto our partners may, in turn, become critical of all that is not perfect about them. That's why the goddess can shift so quickly into the witch, or the king can pick up the whip of the tyrant, or the hero in an instant can seem ordinary, fading into insubstantiality like a dream figure.
Like Randy, a mother's son who projects spiritual purity onto Betsy but uncovers in her a volatile, distant mother; and Betsy, a father's daughter who projects a spiritual hero onto Randy but unearths in him a controlling, invasive father, each of us seeks the light and unwittingly finds the darkness. As projections break down and we meet our partners' shadow characters, as well as our own, the tasks of relationship become more complex: to romance the dark side and to hold onto the soul connection, the archetypal unity that joins us together; to see through the illusion of Beauty to the Beast and to see beyond that to the authentic beauty that lies at the heart of our loved ones.
To be able to contain both the light side and the dark is a great developmental step -- and a promise of romancing the shadow.
Our objective, then, is not to live without projection; that is an impossible task. We will naturally and automatically turn our partners into our parents as the shadow tries to make us feel safe and loved. To uncover the gold in this personal projection, we need to continually see through it while mining it for insight, and at the same time stay related to the other person as a real human being. We also will naturally and automatically turn our partners into gods as the powerful archetypes sweep us off our feet.
To uncover the gold in this archetypal projection, we need to continually see through it while staying related to the other person as a mortal human being -- and honor our deeper vision, which can see god in the Beloved, a transpersonal reality and an ongoing source of aliveness and inspiration. These are real life examples that I have either heard in group shadow work classes, from the mouths of my clients anonymously, as alwaysand a few from my own journey mixed in for good measure.
It would strengthen the gene pool and get rid of all of the talentless losers. It makes me feel powerful.
Or at least that it would be made illegal for people under a certain IQ to procreate. I believe that putting my effort into my looks pays more significant dividends than investing in my mind and education.
And yet, those thoughts can live inside of us and we can still function in society like normal people.
How To Own Your Shadow Before It Owns You
Go figure! The benefits of facing and integrating your shadow are innumerable, but here are a handful of what I believe to be some of the most exciting and rewarding ones. Our unintegrated shadow causes a lot of chaos in intimate relationships. When we have come to know all parts of ourselves and accept them, it then becomes that much easier to get to know all parts of another and accept those things as well.
Suppressing various parts of ourselves stifles creativity. Conversely, letting go of being at war with long-suffocated parts of ourselves frees up an incredible amount of energy. In fact, dozens of times over the last few years I have been on coaching calls with clients who described feelings of tangible energy surging through their bodies mere seconds after naming and owning a significant, and long-held shadow thought.
Naming and owning a shadow thought can feel akin to pulling the plug in a filled up bathtub. As soon as the block is removed, the water starts flowing again. Self-rejection is heavy and taxing. Every potent, powerful bad ass I know is in right relation with their shadow side.
This process is a necessary precursor to being your most embodied, creatively expressed, full-spectrum self.
As you come to know, love, and accept more parts of yourself, it then becomes that much easier to do the same, as your default, for others. Regardless of whether you interact with them or not, it will be that much easier for you to assume the best in others, and you will be more compassionate, understanding, and patient with others.
Serious work on the self and, in particular, engaging in shadow work is an ongoing process. There will always be more layers to be revealed. That being said, if you are newer to shadow work, then you can move the needle a lot in a short amount of time, by giving a few of these simple exercises a genuine effort. The aspects of our shadow that we are least in relationship with are the things we are the fastest to perceive and judge in others.
That aspect very well actually be a part of that person… but if you are quick to see something in others, over and over, then it is likely your psychological content that you are simply placing on to another. It was very black and white. In my eyes, you were either a genius or you were an idiot.
Because I once thought that I was stupid in my childhood, I suppressed my relationship to my own intelligence and relegated it to my shadow. Once I came to see, accept, and honour my own intelligence, the weight of this pattern dissipated rapidly.
I can see the humour in it, even while being in the middle of it. Do racist or homophobic people send you into a blind rage? Think about the ways that can you be intolerant or dismissive of others. Do highly expressive creative types infuriate you? What things are in you that you wish you could be expressing and sharing with the world? These emotional triggers could show up in your life as people, ideas, objects, or any other source.
But nothing could be further from the truth. The more you waste precious mental energy on believing that there are some unknown evil doers out there in the world, the less capacity you will have to look for the evil, malevolent, and vicious parts in your own heart.
And there is no coming to true consciousness without first observing your own capacity for the evils that you perceive in others.
Wake up, on an individual level, and you will have moved the world further forwards than if you had spent that same energy blaming others for the state of the world. Free-write aka writing without stopping three pages of notes in your journal every day for a week and see what starts to fall out of you. For this practice, I strongly recommend pen to paper writing over digital writing.
Or maybe you will notice just how much stress you have been holding on to about some long-standing theme in your life. Most of what comes through you will just be rocks, soil, and rubble.
Romancing the Shadow: A Guide to Finding Gold in the Dark Side tentative exploration that defines dating to the spell cast by romantic love. I didn't usually date guys I was really attracted to because I was worried they might reject But now I'm unraveling my fears, understanding my shadow self, and. When Cupid struck Apollo with a golden arrow through the heart, he fell hopelessly in love with a nymph named Daphne. But, to Apollo's.
But the nuggets of gold that you find via your efforts will be well worth it. Your version of meditation can be dancing to sensual music for fifteen minutes every morning.
Or sitting and looking at a lit candle for three minutes and breathing deeply. Or you can scream at the top of your lungs into a big pillow for thirty seconds, five days a week RIP vocal chords.